I’m going to start with the good news from today.  It's my best chance of controlling a nervous stomach this morning.  Emerson’s vital signs are stable.  She is sating mid 90s with no O2 support and her blood pressures are good.  That’s all very, very good news right now…

Unfortunately, that is where the good news ends.  Eme’s had no pain meds since 1AM (12 hours) & she hasn’t stirred.  Not once.  We’ve changed her central line dressing site, done a chest x-ray, multiple docs have removed her wound dressing & poked at her wound… nothing… she hasn’t even moved a finger.  It’s not hard evidence, but is enough to make my gut think something is very wrong.  Or headed in that direction.    

The drainage from Eme’s wound is increased this morning and her white blood count over doubled last night.  She’s been on very strong antibiotics for 5 days now.  Things should be markedly better, not worse.  Her wound has cultured an extremely resistant pseudomonas that, as of this morning, they still hadn’t been able to identify any susceptible antibiotics to treat with. 

My greatest fear right now is that the infection has crossed barriers from her wound into her blood stream.  As the doctor said this morning, that would be a “devastating” scenario.  He said she looks septic.  I agree, but she’s not tanking.  She’s stable for now… my greatest prayer is that that will continue until she’s safely to Omaha.  If she should decompensate before the flight team arrives we may have lost our window of opportunity to transport.

She’s flying to Omaha.  ASAP.  They have a wonderful, competent team here & I’m confident they can manage her through a crisis.  Should this wound need any surgical treatment, though, they will not intervene.  We need to be in Omaha with the team who knows her best.  God willing we’ll be there tonight.

My greatest hope is we’re all over-reacting and she’ll be up coloring again tomorrow morning.  I’m just not sure, though, & my overwhelming sense today is better safe than sorry.  As confident as I was declining transfer yesterday, I’m equally as comfortable accepting it today.

It’s really interesting for me to analyze my thoughts & feelings over the course of this week.  Indeed intellectually I know this cannot go on forever… Emerson & our family cannot live like this indefinitely.  Intellectually I don’t want this to go on and on and on for a few good days here & there.  I don’t want to live in a hospital – I don’t want that for Emerson & I don’t want that for our family.  I asked God to take the weight of this from me & to make the decisions clear.  Staring in the face of a potential crisis, though, I again find myself losing all composure.  The reality, when push comes to shove, is I just want her here.  With me.  Wherever that may be.  And the reality is I do want God to take the decisions from me, but only if His plan is for her to make a complete recovery and live a full life here on earth with her family who loves her so, so much.  I just don’t know how we’ll manage in this world without her.

She’s pale & shivering.  Her temp has spiked.  Her heart is racing.  Her blood pressure is falling.  They’re pushing a fluid bolus of albumin now.  We’re all hoping it’s a med reaction to a new antibiotic they just started.  Please God get her to Omaha.  Please God make this all a distant memory soon.  If only life came with a crystal ball… looks like I should have accepted transfer yesterday.